my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
