i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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