I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I deserve this hangover.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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