i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
