i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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