I seem to have left my pride at pride
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
