I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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