I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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