Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
