So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
