I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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