I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
