I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
