Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
