I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize