A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
