just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He better not be in your backpack
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
