I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am mentally ready for anal.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
