At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
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I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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