I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
