I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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