Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
