he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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