I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
