i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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