Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
