My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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