She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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