FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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