you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
