My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He passed out mid-signature
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
