Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
