i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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