Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
