quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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