totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
