I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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