Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
