You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
