I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
