There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
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I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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