youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
