Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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