Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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