Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
then he tried to convert me to islam
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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