I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
