Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
