I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
