I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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