the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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