what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
as a side note pls kill me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
