i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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