weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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