I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
