I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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