Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
